In Memory

On Christmas Eve of 1995 my father passed after a long battle with cancer, he was 54. It was too much for me to deal with then and even now I miss him, I suppose I always will. I have tried to make his birthday the day that I really try to remember him but I think because he died on Christmas Eve it is hard not to remember.

I do not remember in sadness as much as I once did. Recently, I wonder what he would have thought of what I was doing or if something strikes that he might have enjoyed. When he passed I was only a sophomore in undergrad and was working toward a teaching degree at the time. I wonder what he would have thought about me going to law school. I know he would have loved his grand daughter.

My father, like so many of his generation was a hard and determined man. He was on his varsity basketball team and won state one year. Later on he served in the Special Forces in Vietnam. He worked many jobs. He was a barber but for most his working life he was a truck driver. The hours were hard and I know he wasn't ready for a family when he had one. He was an alcoholic and smoked like a chimney. He was strong willed and could be difficult to talk to. This was especially true when I was growing up.

My parents divorced when I was in the 6th grade and my brother, sister, mom and I left state to stay with my Grandparents. I saw my father infrequently during this time, It was hard for everyone. I did not really get to know my father until I was a teenager and we didn't become close in anyway until after I returned from Operation Desert Storm. Now I know he was being a parent. It was not his job to be my friend, he did me more favors by not being a friend. But when I was a teenager, he would visit me at my part time job and came to my martial arts tournaments, it meant a great deal to me. Teenagers are brain damaged and I know I was not exception, I am sure I gave him headaches.

I remember not being able to carry on much of a conversation and then when I was back from the Middle East our relationship was suddenly easier. Cancer is hard as many people know, it was only five years later that he was gone. It is hard to think of it in those terms.

My father was an excellent basketball player, a very good fighter, a fan of country music, a good listener, he was really funny and had a great sense of humor, he had lots of friends (I learned this at his funeral, I wish I had known before), he tried to do his best to be a parent under difficult circumstances, he was a flawed man who did his best to deal with those flaws (especially alcohol), he was a man who did his best to support his kids even after they were adults, he always did his best.

Today, I always think of him ... I try not to be sad but there is always some of that mixed in.